


blight

by linnhe



Category: SHINee
Genre: Abuse, Autism, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-16
Updated: 2015-10-16
Packaged: 2021-03-17 09:29:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29098062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/linnhe/pseuds/linnhe
Summary: In honour of Shinee's comeback, I'm archiving all my Shinee fics. They are the reason I started sharing my writing publicly and I'm grateful for the artistic journey they inspired. I'm proud of the progress I've made since, so I've decided to preserve my history as a writer before LJ shuts down and these pieces are lost forever.Quoted song is The Weeknd - The Hills Remix ft. Nicki Minaj, orginally postedhere
Relationships: Kim Jonghyun/Lee Taemin
Kudos: 1





	blight

**Author's Note:**

> In honour of Shinee's comeback, I'm archiving all my Shinee fics. They are the reason I started sharing my writing publicly and I'm grateful for the artistic journey they inspired. I'm proud of the progress I've made since, so I've decided to preserve my history as a writer before LJ shuts down and these pieces are lost forever.
> 
> Quoted song is The Weeknd - The Hills Remix ft. Nicki Minaj, orginally posted [here](https://linnhe.livejournal.com/29508.html)

_i only call you when it's half past five  
the only time that i'll be by your side  
i only love it when you touch me, not feel me  
when i'm fucked up, that's the real me  
when i’m fucked up, that’s the real me_

  
taemin is sucking on his thumb, curled up in bed. he’s doing his best to stave off the hurt, the inevitable hurt that follows whenever he couldn’t score enough to keep him afloat. it’s important – vital – for him to remain removed from reality at all times. that’s how he keeps the ugly bits, roaring in his head, asleep. right now, nothing is keeping them asleep. his thinking is fully powered, and that means anxiously cycling through about a dozen fear-thoughts, over and over and over.

jonghyun’s knocks are soft. nevertheless, taemin can feel them reverberating behind his eyes, and he winces, pressing his palms into them. _no no no._

he comes in, gentle, all his movements equally gentle. taemin finds that it’s difficult to remain mad at someone who is being kind to you, even moreso when you’ve been acting selfish. he sits down next to him, his hand warm and dry against the back of taemin’s neck, and pulls taemin’s thumb from his mouth.

“i’ve brought you some iced tea. i’m sorry about earlier, i just wanted to–”

“please leave,” taemin begs, curling up further. he’s cold, but he can’t stand his blankets. jonghyun has all the nice blankets.

despite what his body is telling him now, there won’t be relief when the other leaves. boredom will set in, and he’ll suffer all the more, trapped in hyperfocus. but that doesn’t mean he’ll refrain from asking him to leave him be. there’s more than just physical wellbeing at stake, he can’t expose his big brother to this, he can’t – what will jonghyun think of him, what is he already thinking of him – he should leave now before taemin can damage the relationship any further.

jonghyun pretends taemin hasn’t said anything, setting the tea down and complimenting him on his outfit. “you look cute in that. where did you get it?”

taemin is wearing his favourite clothes, favourite because they’re the comfiest, prettiest things he owns. it’s an outfit he usually reserves for locked-door days. their mom has seen him in it, a handful of times, and refrained from commenting. but he sees the comments in the lines of her face anyways, every time. he’s seeing them before his mind’s eye now.

“dunno,” he replies, clipped. talking is currently terrible, as is existing from moment to moment. he wants to be alone in a way that won't mean he has to be by himself.

his brother touches the edge of his shirt. it’s a room-y purple thing, barely long enough to cover his navel. it covers more of his front now that he’s lying curled up, but less of his back. it makes him feel like he has wings and like he’s wearing a portable hug all at the same time, despite being loose everywhere. it makes him pretty like nothing else does. when he holds himself just so, he can imagine having breasts, pushing up the fabric.

this is one of his Shameful Thoughts, one he hasn’t shared with anyone yet. it’s the fear that drags him down. _who would love me then, who_ could _love me, who._ not talking about it only increases the painfulness of the thought, he knows this with his reason, but that doesn’t mean he can voice it. all this leads to is more self-derision. he’s smarter than this, he knows better, and yet.

the solution is so easy: all he has to do is say it, and then he’ll know if his family still loves him. if yes, blessed be. if no, he’ll have certainty, at the very least, and he’ll have motive to begin working on a plan of escape.

“can i try it on? it looks fun,” jonghyun’s voice comes, and it’s word salad for the first couple of seconds, because the intention seems so far-fetched. taemin stares at him blankly.

“i’ll give it right back, promise,” he adds, his smile taking on its familiar crookedness. he looks so harmless. taemin wants to believe.

he nods and sits up, allowing jonghyun to pull the fabric up over his head. he’s even colder now, left with nothing but his briefs, and he watches his sibling dress with his arms wrapped around himself.

the top falls longer on jonghyun, just the tiniest bit. it looks cuter on him. but even worse – much worse – jonghyun really does look like he has boobs in this shirt. because jonghyun _has_ boobs, as buff as he is. but the shirt hides their boyish tapering, and taemin jealously stares at the light swell.

it’s hateful to see his brother like this. this entire day is hateful. “you look hateful,” he says quietly.

“that’s not how you use that word,” jonghyun chides him gently, while admiring himself in the mirror. because he knows taemin can think and speak properly, but chooses not to, because it’s easier to stick to what comes natural to him. lazy-wording, is what they call it. just between the two of them. his father would have a fit if he knew the purposefulness of taemin’s flaw.

“i’ll talk like i like to talk. talking to be liked is like, so unlikeable, only liked by those who harbour weak thoughts and likes,” taemin replies, very fast. it feels good to speak like this, with crisp purpose, with the intention to be annoying.

jonghyun turns back to him. “stop that. i know you like it, but i can’t follow you when you talk like that– fuck, now you’ve got me doing it.”

taemin gives him a malicious smile.

“that tea you’re ignoring has a dissolved xanax in it."

his interest in the tea goes from zero to absolute, and he throws it back, coughing when some of it goes down the wrong pipe. “you could’ve been straight about that, straight away.”

“i didn’t want to be,” his sibling replies airily, walking back to him. “straight, that is.”

taemin smiles again, less malicious this time. “you’re terrible. is that supposed to be subtle? you’re not funny, you’re not cute, and overall very terrible. terribly not-cute, unfunny; subtly and overall.”

jonghyun sits down on the edge of the bed again, giving him a serious look.

“i was trying to give it to you in the kitchen. that’s why i leaned in. i didn’t know you were gonna freak out like that.”

“i thought you were going to kiss me,” taemin admits.

that earns him a stern look. “no. we’re not little anymore. we can’t do that anymore.”

“but–”

“no,” he repeats adamantly, and grabs the hem of taemin’s crop top and tries to take it off. taemin stops him, grabbing his wrists and squeezing them harshly. he's met with a questioning gaze.

“please… wear it a little longer. so it’ll smell like you. that’s what i like. wear-worn. more worn, less weariness. for me, i mean.”

his brother sighs, irritated. “enough with the poetry-speak. just come to bed with me, then, if you want company that bad.”

“yes-thank-you!” taemin trills. he’s forgotten all about the anxiousness, and the fears. it’s okay now, because the fuziness of the dissolved pill will set in soon, and his brother is being soft to him, all the way through. usually his softness is more short-lived than this.

later, in bed, jonghyun lets him suck his thumb, even though he’s too old for it – “by about a decade” – and lets him feel him up through the shirt, even though they’re both too old for that. and kisses him, gently, even after saying he wouldn’t. the fears are silent again.


End file.
